The Noble Pagan Forums - The Death of a Thing - A Journey Into Life.

**Cloudrunner** · by Cloudrunner 10-06-2009, 06:12 PM

With the recent loss of my job I've been feeling ... well ... off. At first this confused me as I should be feeling angry about losing the job in the first place, but I'm not. I was, but I'm not now. It was at this point that I realized that what was really happening is that I am processing death right now and grieving.

Yes, death. The death being that of a set schedule, the death of an ethic, the death of respect for specific persons, the death of my job and self-reliance. That is what is weighing on me ... the death of my self-reliance. I now have to rely on others to ensure that me and my family are cared for until I can secure another position elsewhere.

All this brought up a lot of questions, and those answers I came up with I'm going to discuss in detail. I may be right, I may be wrong, but that's what this place is for, discussing the things that need to be discussed. I am doing this as a part of my own grieving process, and I realize that alot of what I will be writing from here forward deals more with the death of a person, realize that it can all be applied to other versions of death experienced in your life. I'm sure (and truly hope) that the resulting discussions below expound on these points and bring up more so do not be afraid to post your opinion here.

What is death?
Death is:

The end of something to which we are accustomed to having.

Does death have to encompass only living things? No, not in the least. We experience death in all aspects of our life. Broken dreams, the death of a pet, the death of a loved one, the death of a job, the death of a car (we've all had those right?). Death is a change.

The last act of life on earth for all living things.

As self serving as it sounds, it is the utter truth. Everything goes through it, nothing stays the same, and everything changes. The final act of everything is death itself.

The finality of that something you have lost.

No one likes to think that anything is finite. We get used to something, and get complacent that it will always be there. This is not only misguided, it is human nature. It’s this misguided bit of human nature that makes death so hard for us sometimes.

The passing on of something into a new state, be it spiritual, mystical, change in circumstances, change in your life dreams or simply a void.

Everything changes, everything dies; it’s how we handle this death that defines who we are. Some people will say that things simply move on into another plane of existence, be it heaven, the summer-lands, reincarnation, the ether, or create an opportunity for something new to exist.

A new beginning for both the things that have died and for what is left in the wake of death.

The truth in this is that mantra you keep hearing from me; everything changes, how will we handle it? The truth is that with the death of something, comes a new beginning for something else. It is this truth that guides our lives, permits us to handle the loss and ultimately accept our own death in time.

The finality of pain and suffering.
The attainment of peace, quiet and respite for all eternity.

For some death is the ultimate relief. From the terminal cancer patient to the worker that is stuck in a dead end job, the relief is the same when that death is experienced.

The absence of the life-giving spirit, conscience and will that makes a something a living, vital being.
The ultimate finality facing each one of us.

To me this thought scares the hell out of me. I simply cannot grasp the idea of something that’s alive and here on this earth simply *poof* gone from existence, never to be seen again. In truth (and scientific fact) this does not happen as the universe will never let something go to waste. Ultimately in some fashion or another we are recycled.

What are some consequences of death?

A need to readjust, refocus, realign and change after a death.
A need to grieve and mourn the loss resulting from a death.
A need to fill the void resulting from a death.
A need to go on and face the future after a death.
A need to let go of the dead person, object or idea.

It takes time and hard work to recover from the death of something. We are, as humans, emotionally incapable of letting go of something without grieving for it. This response has been part of our psyche ever since the first ape; it enables us biologically to protect those things that are most important to us, whether it be the cave we dwell in or the mate we claim to pass on our genes. This biological connection to that which we find important is ultimately the driving force behind every aspect of our lives.

There are rituals, rites, customs, traditions and ceremonies in reaction to death.

Every culture, every family, every person has a form of ritual to help us deal with death. These rituals and ceremonies are a way of expressing the emotions that we are unable to verbalize appropriately. Without them, we would be forced to internalize death, as humans, we are emotionally incapable of handling that level of stress. Those that do internalize death tend to lose the ability to feel any emotion at all. This is not a good place to be in. Numb is no way to exist.

There can be a sense of shock, disappointment or fear.
There can be a sense of guilt, remorse or self-deprecation on the part of the survivors.
There can be confusion, disarray or feelings of being lost and bewildered for the survivors.
The survivors can feel abandoned or rejected by the death.

These are all normal, natural and required emotions when handling death. Never feel that you are weak because you feel these emotions. There is nothing wrong with you if you do, in fact I would question your humanity if you did not experience these emotions at some point after experiencing death.

The way you handle these emotions is what makes you a person. As with all aspects of our life, there is a healthy way to handle them, and there is an unhealthy way as well. Not having a support mechanism in place, internalizing the emotions, not reaching out for assistance, trying to be strong for others; these are all unhealthy practices in handling death.

Do not be afraid to verbalize your emotions to your support group (family, friends, etc). Tell them, “I am scared to death at what will come in the future without ___.”, “I regret not spending more time with ___.”, “I am angry at having been left with ___.”. These emotions are normal, they are healthy, and they are required so that you don’t go insane.

What specific behaviors people should I develop in handling death?
In handling any kind of death you need to:

Fully grieve the resulting loss.

I will go into the grieving process in a minute. If you do not fully grieve, you will internalize the emotions left and this is not healthy.

Deal with your denial of the reality of death and the reality of the loss it brings.

It happens. Everything dies. Everything changes. There is nothing you can do about that. What matters is how you handle the change, because ultimately death is nothing more than change. Will you let that change take control of you and your life, or will you take that change, run with it and make that change a positive in your life?

Work out your anger over the death and the resulting loss.

This is where your support mechanism will be the most help for you. You need to have a group of friends, family, or whatever, to be able to work through your anger in a healthy and constructive manner. This anger, when dealt with in an unhealthy manner, will destroy you. You cannot let your anger determine the path you follow.

Handle the despair and depression resulting from the death and the resulting loss.

“What am I going to do now?”, “Where will I go?”, “Was there something I could have done different to prevent this?” These are all valid and healthy questions that only you will be able to answer. The fact is that everyone will experience a certain amount of depression and despair following a death. Again, that is natural, and completely natural; what you do with it determines your outcome.

Let go of the person, event or object in death and face the resulting loss.

Eventually you must accept the fact that the person, event or thing is gone. You will never be able to experience them as they were again. What you need to be able to do is realize that this is, in all actuality, ok. It is alright that they are gone, sure you’ll miss them, but your life cannot come to a complete and utter stop forever because of the death. They are gone, you are not. It’s time to let go, make your peace, accept what is, and move on.

Look at death in an open, honest way; not hide from, avoid or ignore it.
Accept its inevitability in your life and the lives of others.
Accept the changes that are a consequence of death.

This is ultimately the hardest thing to do isn’t it? Everyone fears the unknown. Anyone who says they do not is lying; deep down in the darkest recesses of their mind, in that dark corner where they dare not to go, that fear is there, waiting to take over. It’s in all of us. The question is do you let it sit lying in wait in your mind or do you confront it and call it forth and embrace it for being a part of you?

The Five Stages of Grief

Denial and Isolation.

At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments to a year or more, or longer. The longer this stage lasts the unhealthier it becomes. You must work through this in any way that you can and reconnect with your support members (family, friends, etc).

Anger.

You may be furious at the person / situation / thing that inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. You may be angry with yourself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it. Again, this is normal and must be handled in a healthy manner through whatever mechanisms you have in place.

Bargaining.

At this point you may start making bargains with your God(s), asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?" We all know that this will accomplish nothing. It is our way of trying to handle the loss. We may even scorn our God(s) and threaten them, again, this accomplishes nothing more than making us feel better for a short time.

Depression.

You may feel numb at this point, uncaring, and unfeeling even though the anger and sadness may remain underneath. This stage is healthy for a short amount of time and allows you to come to grips with situation without lashing out. Your support mechanism will be needed more than ever to help you through this stage. That support mechanism will typically determine how you handle this stage, and for how long. This is another stage where the longer you remain in this state of being, the unhealthier it becomes.

Acceptance.

You have finally grown to accept the situation as it is and have worked through most of the grieving process. It is at this point in time that you begin to take stock on the changes and take control of your life again. Picking up the pieces that are left and cleaning your emotional home. At this stage you are able to reorganize what’s left and point yourself in the direction you need to go.

What does all this mean when put together?

Death sucks. It hurts. It turns our lives completely upside down, and ultimately those people that you have around you will determine whether you grow from the experience or become numb. You have to grieve completely to accept what has happened. You have to lean on others the help you through the experience. Without this support, you will never fully grow from the experience. You need your support or you will fall.

What are your support mechanisms for when you experience death?

How have you experienced death, and how did you overcome the experience?

What suggestions do you have for others?

What rituals / traditions / ceremonies do you have that help you to handle death?

**Macha Rising** · 10-06-2009

We have deaths everyday but on levels we're not even aware of.

The most simple expression of this can be found in education. You go to school (born), you learn something new (hopefully) (living), this has changed you on a minor or major level, and thus you begin to shed the old (death) and break into the new skin-- the knew knowledge (rebirth)

Credit goes to CS.

**Macha Rising** · 10-06-2009

Death is the only guarantee we can expect life to provide us with and even this guarantee is at life's discretion (aside from that silly (and by silly I mean stupid, selfish and disgusting) thing called suicide). Of course this is the physical, organic body that I'm talking about.

Life is filled with death daily most especially in our own lives. You don't see it most often because its so minor or insignificant, it has very little affect on our days. At the end of your day, consider it like a lifetime; did you get everything done? What didn't you accomplish that you wanted to? What would you do differently that would have made your day more productive, pleasant or the interactions more productive and pleasant? What did you do that affected your day so significantly (Or who did what to you to affect...) that it caused a ripple effect which limited, restricted or redirected your plans?

Your day is a lifetime. Its a single moment in time that is a block of significant events that build up the mural of your life. This may seem extreme and silly but every day is a decision-- and what decisions you make are the steps you take down your path. The (overall) ending in my opinion is already defined (HigherSelf knows it, so talk to it (you)) but that does not mean the journey to it is. If you're having a hard time following me think of that old saying "All road lead to Rome".

Death is necessary and in most cases we will mourn and react accordingly to such losses. However it is in my experience, during the time of our grief, we fail to see the over all scheme of things, the purpose of it and this brings about anger. Its completely natural but in my opinion irrational (which I'm not saying is bad!).

Death is hard but its an adventure. No one promised the adventures that we we experience with each lifetime/renewal would be a cakewalk.

**CelticSpider** · 10-06-2009

Okay I am really having a hard time with this topic.
Article is great.....so I na dissing on it.......
I may not even make it through this posting. I couldn't finish the article.And I'm having a hard time reading the responses.

I want to touch base on a moment not on Death and what it is ( the end, a new beginning, fear of the unknown, saying goodbye to things, people, ideas,illusions, goals, whatever).

I want to talk upon what lies in the wake of. And maybe this has already been said. If so then I apologize for being redundant, as I stated previously I was having a hard time wading through the content of this article. Not because I found it offensive. Not one bit. It is because I am still in the wake of death. I am still reeling from its effects.

This year has been a very hard one emotionally for me. It's been year fraught with Death in all it's various forms and faces.

My faith and trust in people died when i was lied to, used, manipulated, disrespected and stolen from by close friends.
How did I deal with that? I became very picky and very choosy very quickly about who I hung out with and the list was short. Which made me feel bad for seeming to be some sort of elitist or something. Just recently I decided to get out in the circuit again and make new friends (on and offline). I'm still wary though.

My husband died (not in the literal sense) when tour three gave him some "personality quirks" ( or upgrades as we call them "jokingly") due to PTSD.
How am I dealing with that?
I am hurt, I feel helpless, I am depressed......in essence a part of me died too because now even our relationship with each other suffered its own death ( changes) and I want to scream.All the time. And sometimes I do.....just on the inside.

My nephew died.Before he even got a chance to be born. My sister almost went with him. Full term and never got a chance. A part of her (not just the baby) died that day too. And it broke my heart.
The aftermath of that one is still a raw hole.
Part of it that is one of my best friends was also delivering within that week. I watch her baby. I consider her my niece. She's a cute lil thing. But every time I'm around her I can't help remembering holding his lifeless body and asking why over and over and over again in my head. I can't help seeing the changes in my sister and knowing that nothing I can say or do can help her or any of us heal.
It's not fair to my niece. Or my dearest friend. Or anyone.
I've really come to hate babies.And that's not fair either.
And my sister is going to try again.
And I don't know how I feel about that ( other than worried to pieces) or what I am supposed to feel or what is even mine to feel.
I don't.
I don't want to feel.
I'm tired of everyone and everything dying around me. My fish. A new friend's cat. A relationship. A friendship. A concept.

Death sucks because it is a let go we aren't currently equipped with. The Wake of Death I think is worse than the change that Death is.
The Wake leaves you feeling and reeling. The Dead are already gone.

I think it is the overall feeling of helplessness that makes people so angry. I'm not angry at the death ( I question it). I feel helpless in how to help others heal from it. How to get them to be okay again ( because we are not a happy group of people in my world anymore).
It's like "I can't fix me until I fix you!"
And the thing is.....in my world....we are all like that. Trying to make sure the other is okay so we can be too. It's a sad sad circle jerk of compassion and caring that is eating itself from the inside out.
And that causes a kind of simple death too....

I agree that change is necessary to evolve. And Death is that in its many forms. Its the type of changes ( evolutions or even devolutions) that are instituted in the wake that to me, are more worrisome than the Change itself.

Right now I just want my sister back. I want my husband back. I want my faith in people back ( and that one is slowly coming back out of the waters of the primordial goo I refer to as my emotions from time to time). I want I want I want. It's a hole that Death can leave inside a person. That wanting. That inability to distinguish between want and need even (maybe). That is what the wake can leave you with.

That is the change that will make or break you.

Will I want or will I learn to Live?

Ask yourself that one next time Death comes grinning woefully on your door.

This wasn't meant to be a personal dump or rant and I do so hope that it does na seem that way at all. I just wanted to give a point of view on death and the aftermath from someone who has been ( and seems to be continually so at this point

) inundunated in it.
Yeah I spelled that big word wrong. You know what I mean though.

I leave you with this poem (which has always struck a chord in me and seems so fitting on our perception of Death and it's relationship with Love):

Death, death, death comes sweeping down,
filthy death the leering clown,
death on wings, death by surprise,
failing evil from worldly eyes,
death that spawns as life succumbs,
while death and love, two kindred drums,
beat the time till judgement day,
an actor in a passion play,
without beginning, without end,
evermore, amen.

-Dellamorte Dellamore

C.S.

**Macha Rising** · 10-06-2009

Death has been a phenomena that I've never developed a coping skill for. At an early age I was introduced to the only guarantee life has to offer; death. Also the age I was (3-5) was a significant imprinting time for me. Needless to say my body physically reacted to death and anyone I loved leaving me for a significant amount of time. I could not go 24 without seeing my mother or mysteriously got sick (usually strep or the flu and then the chicken pox!). I would mysteriously get sick the DAY she would leave for a business trip and wouldn't show improvement till she returned home.

Death. I don't like it. More times than not I refuse to acknowledge it. My Aunt died last year and I still haven't noticed. Sometimes I don't think I ever will.

This year I lost my son. The details of this are personal and private but I lost a piece of me. I comfort myself in my belief that should be be meant to come back to me, he will at a later date.

I've never been married. I can't imagine what its like to marry a man and be separated from him by war, only to have him returned to me with 'upgrades'. I too suffer from significant PTSD so I can empathize with Celtic Spiders husband. I hope to never experience this but if I do, I know exactly who I can go to for help (Celtic).

Much like Celtic Spider, my year too has been filled with tragedy, death and rebirth. I'm still fumbling around looking for myself, the scattered pieces and being able to walk my path proudly and with the tools and encouragement necessary to reach my end destination. I had lost faith in people and in peoples humanity. I had lost faith in love-- and not just being in love but friends love, families love...the concept of love was nothing but a blackhole.

I've become quite attached to the people of TNP and a few outside of it. I cling to them like cancer in fear that I'll fall back into hell again. Sometimes I feel I'm overly dependent-- and I can be. But I still walk on my own.

The only thing further I have to say on this matter is:

Death can be described through a plethora of words, phrases, emotions, expressions... But at the end of the day we can all conclude its hard. So look to those you love, allow them to love you back and support you in your time of need.

Love people as much as you possibly can stand to and tell them and show them as often as you can so they never have the chance to forget or doubt you.

-Time to light a Candle-